Las Vegas

last modified 8/26/2024

I have been informed that babymoon is the term for our recent vacation. A babymoon is a last hurrah, a fighting retreat, a parting shot at the advancing phalanx of doom to comfortable living: our second child. Monika is expected to give birth to a baby girl at the end of May. With an appetite for an iota of excess, we picked Las Vegas.

We like Las Vegas

I stipulate that Las Vegas is a terrible city. It's a gilded morass. The electric billboards sell sex and sophistication as obese proles shuffle along The Strip below. Homelessness seems worse than ever.

Las Vegas shouldn't exist in the first place. It only exists because Hoover Dam exists and Hoover Dam shouldn't exist because electrifying the desert is stupid. A New Deal boondoggle means tourists vacation here instead of somewhere with nice weather and pretty scenery.

We last rolled through Vegas a year ago on the way to Arizona and California. We had had a rough journey. Ryker had woken up, shall we say, ill the day of our departure. In Utah, we discovered that our air conditioner was broken. It's not something one notices in winter in Montana but does become apparent crossing the desert.

That night at Treasure Island was the turning point. Ryker recovered. He washed away the aches of travel in the BIG tub and lounged with a view in the air conditioned room. I sat at the mechanic for hours while they replaced the air compressor. I felt robbed of fun. Ryker cried to have to leave. We vowed to return.

I suppose one vacations opposite to how one lives. We enjoy the pleasant circumstance of living in a quiet town amid natural beauty. But the winters are long, the cuisine is limited and entertainment is what you make it. We are healthier and happier for living here so naturally we can't wait to leave to eat until it hurts under a neon sky.

Planning

Anticipation is better than having. While false, it's pithy and feels wise to say. I feel like we extended our vacation by days by war gaming every possible scenario. Do we drive or fly? That was easy. Of the 4 places Allegiant Airlines flies, Las Vegas happens to be one of them, on Sundays and Thursdays. After that forcing move, like a chess game, the variations explode.

• Do we stay 4 nights or the whole week?
• Do we rent a car?
• Do we cook our own breakfasts?
• Is Ryker too big for a stroller? Is he too short to walk?
• Is it possible to predict which hotel Priceline will give us? Having a tub is critical!

Picking one choice sends you down a variation. If you skip the rental car then you leave the booster seat at home but then you're bound to The Strip. You've got to stay close to the monorail. And cooking some of your own food makes sense due to resort prices. The 4 year old will probably demand scrambled eggs and chicken nuggets, Wolfgang Puck be damned. A kitchenette might be worth it.

Naturally, after mapping all permutations and decision trees in Excel, we did what we always do: We rented a car and booked a two-queen-beds room at Treasure Island. That free parking just can't be beat!

We opted for 4 nights. The economies of scale were neutralized by weekend room rates. Sour grapes, we figured it's possible that Ryker will hate everything.

Sunday, April 2, 2023

Air travel is dystopian in 2023 but if you're going to do it, small airports are best. A shred of humanity remains. I opted for the pat-down in a futile gesture of throwing sand in the gears of totalitarianism. I have my little conversation on ethics with the useful idiot just doing his job to keep everyone safe and feed his family. If a memo told him to stuff me in an oven, he would.

Ryker did not have to go through any security scan or pat-down, to my pleasant surprise. After my groping session, I pointed to my son and asked, "What about him?"

The comrade looked at me strangely with a hint of disgust and said, "He's a child."

"Of course," I muttered, mentally noting the terrorism loophole for which I've searched so long.

Ryker was a traveling champ. He was just the right amount of excited to fly, unbothered by turbulence or air pressure and took a nap during half the flight. I had tucked away a couple of little toys in my carry-on. He was ecstatic to play Donkey Kong vs. Tyrannosaurus for most of an hour.

Ryker was proud to do his part carrying luggage with my old Ninja Turtles suitcase. Before the trip, I noted the date on the crumbling luggage tag. It said 1990 in my mother's handwriting. I don't believe I'll ever meet her again but I sure hope I'm wrong.

It's' a long shuttle ride to the rental car lot. That would normally be a bore but Ryker was happy so we were happy. The wait for a rental car was inhumanely long. There was no inventory. We had to wait over an hour in line as cars were returned. The silver lining was that we got a nicer car than we paid for.

We were excited to be starving. We found an all-you-can-eat sushi joint in Chinatown. The wait was an hour. Oh dear. Ryker is a night owl but this was really pushing things after waiting for the car. The waits everywhere else were just as bad. We've become accustomed to town life where you just pull right up to the gas pump at Costco. We did our time.

The food was fantastic. It scratched an itch. Ryker melted gracefully down into the booth.

Ryker was joyous on getting to our room. He seemed to remember from a year ago. He was utterly content to chill by the window, take in the view and play on his tablet.

Monday

We started our first proper day by walking across the street to the Fashion View Mall. It's like, you know, a mall. There aren't go-go dancers or Romans or anything. But we don't have much of a mall so it was a pleasant refresher for Monika. I was just happy to let go the feeling that I had a 100 things that I ought to be doing. Monika got a gelato and we helped her eat it. I persuaded Ryker to accompany me into the Lego store. We looked at a bunch of cool sets that I couldn't afford on a programmer's salary then bought a little dump truck. I think that is exactly how it worked for me when I was a boy when my dad took the family along on his business trips to Los Gatos.

We patronized an Asian bakery. Monika was enthused. Asian bakeries occupy the space between a donut shop and IKEA. The baked goods come individually wrapped in plastic. They are arranged on shelves in a racetrack. You grab a cafeteria tray and work your way around. Monika armed us to the teeth. The baked goods are more sophisticated than donuts but not quite French engineered. They tend to be soft, puffy and sugary with attractive presentation. The coffee smells good.

Time successfully killed, we moved on to the natural history museum. They had live sea creatures: rays, fish, etc. There was some taxidermy. The bones of the more ordinary critters were real and the more exotic were reproductions. The big attraction was the life-size animatronic dinosaurs. Ryker heard one roar coming from that direction, glimpsed a leg through the entryway and refused to go further. He, for one, would not be eaten this vacation. Mama and Papa facepalmed. Coaxing did not help. Slowly acclimating at the periphery did not help. Ah, well, we have something left to see next time.

We ate a late lunch/early dinner at a taqueria. It had all the right indicators: nothing fancy, good smells, lengua, se habla español. The tacos were divine. Consider another culinary itch scratched.

The day's highlight, the entire trip's highlight in fact, was Mystère by Cirque du Soleil. We hadn't seen it yet, the price was right and it was conveniently located downstairs. We all dressed up and Ryker was twice as dapper as we thought possible. Ryker got hyped during the warmup, clapping with the crowd.

We had worried about the intensity of a show. The best laid plans go awry in a flash with children. Mystère seemed relatively tame and orthodox, the word "relatively" doing heavy lifting there. Wikipedia says it was the first Cirque du Soleil production as we know them (another trend set by Steve Wynn). Subsequent productions have amped up the wow factor. It was a good choice. Ryker's eyes glazed over after 30 minutes as he ran out of adrenaline. We got to watch the entire show without incident. I carried Ryker upstairs to the tranquility of our room to recover.

What about dinner? Popeye's was downstairs. Monika has a thing for Popeye's. She was sad when the Popeye's in Kalispell shut down. It was agreed that Papa would go trade blood plasma for resort priced fried chicken.

I was the last person to order chicken tenders (not spicy) before the cashier announced they had run out. Phew. As I waited for my order, the cashier announced, item by item, everything had run out. Also, it turned out that they could not fill my order. Had I been one person earlier, I could have gotten what I wanted. Had I been one person later, I could have ordered something else. This is why I don't gamble [much]. Also, the receipt printer was broken so they couldn't figure out how to refund me. Their best people figured it out and ten minutes later, 45 minutes in total, I returned empty handed.

Fortunately, Las Vegas does not close by 8 PM like Kalispell. I drove to In-N-Out (another thing we miss) for myself and picked up ramen to-go for Monika on the way back.

Tuesday

Everything was going so well — Ryker was such a champ — that we set out eagerly. We drove to Tropicana (free parking) and crossed the street to Excalibur. We rode the tram to Mandalay Bay (free) to visit the aquarium. I was reminded how incredibly vast Mandalay Bay is as we sojourned from the tram station to the aquarium. Ryker's legs expired about half-way so I carried him. That was so relaxing that he fell asleep.

He would not revive and Monika and I realized we had miscalculated. Each day was not further evidence of Ryker's precocious travel stamina. It was further depletion of his energy reserves. Today would be a rest day. We returned to the hotel.

Lunch was takeout from a ramen house. It was good, no doubt excellent had we eaten in. There were plenty of pastries to snack on.

It seemed like a good evening to walk The Strip. We had brought a collapsible wagon for the occasion.

We ride the tram from Treasure Island to The Mirage. So far, so good: little boys love riding trams. Expand the wagon, place boy inside, make cozy and set off to see the volcano just in time. Nope, nope, nope: it's too loud and scary. Reverse course!

We walked south towards the center of The Strip. As we meandered through The Forum Shops, Ryker fell asleep. My oh my had he slept a lot today. This evening was really for Monika. She was relieved of childcare as I pulled our precious sleeping cargo. She ambled, 8 months pregnant, to The Bellagio in time to catch the Celine Dion water show. That's her favorite and she was quite pleased.

We walked back along the other side of The Strip, stopping in at In-N-Out in The LINQ Promenade to eat. Ryker periodically stirred when the wagon hit a bump on the sidewalk but always fell back asleep.

Wednesday

Having slept most of the day prior, Ryker was ready to go. Today's main event was the DISCOVERY Children's Museum.

We got off to a rough start. Ryker wasn't very interested. Then we got to the water zone. Ryker perked up but refused to wear a raincoat. I put my foot down. There was a standoff. Ryker, like his father, does not roll over easily. I'm very proud of him but he's a stupid 4-year-old when it comes to picking battles. He acquiesced. Phew.

The main attraction was jets of water that lifted balls (like from a ball pit) into the air along a caged track. This is catnip for little boys. They release balls from different sides to watch them collide. They find ways to jam the track so they can get every ball in the facility near the ceiling. There we remained for hours. We closed it down.

Ryker's shoes were soaked through. No matter, our next stop was the Las Vegas North Premium Outlets. Buying Ryker new shoes on vacation is now somewhat of a tradition. He always finds a way to destroy the pair he sets out with. We took off his shoes and I carried him to the car.

We drove to the outlets and I carried him through that extensive development until we found a shoe store. We bought him a slick new pair of Pumas. With his matching warmup pants on, he looks like a pro. My own feet were relieved that Ryker's were back in operation. My expectations were fleeting as Ryker's eyes began to flutter. Cold feet had been the only thing keeping him awake. I hefted my load and we resumed strolling. Monika pilgrimed at Adidas but came away empty-footed.

We ate dinner at Ping Pang Pong in Gold Coast. Man-oh-man was the clientele in the casino and restaurant Asian. The food was legitimate Chinese but fell a little flat on expectations given the hype.

Thursday

What to do with a few hours to kill before flying home? Eat once more, of course. Yet another thing we lack in Kalispell is really good pizza. I really like really good pizza. Monika did her homework and picked Brooklyn's Best Pizza and Pasta. I ordered stromboli. It was everything I pined for. I ordered another to-go.

We walked about the Venetian, Palazzo and Wynn until it was time to get to the airport. It was an idyllic couple of hours. The weather was great. We noted that the clientele are a half-notch more attractive on that side of the street. I can't help but marvel at the line where the reproduced beauty of the cathedral meets the crassness of Las Vegas. It's like where the fresh water of a river flows into the salt ocean.

The trip home was uneventful. I ate the extra stromboli for dinner. Our vacation was a success! Now, we standby the days and hours until Raelyn arrives.

Epilogue

I write this travel log several months later in September/October. Life has just been too exhausting to get to it sooner. Raelyn came early, just like her brother, on May 22. I am glad to have a bookmark in my memory between "us" being 3 and us being 4.